In Their Defense: Antoni Porowski from “Queer Eye”
This article was originally written in March 2018.
You’ve probably seen him lurking around some shabby straight guy’s apartment, fingering his way through their record collection seeking The Strokes’ “Is This It” or laughing alongside his four other equally fabulous co-hosts on a sofa-cum-futon half-buried under a mountain of cargo shorts and unironed t-shirts. He moves with rhythm, has a laid-back demeanour and is unmatchably handsome.
One place you will not find him, however, is the kitchen, if recent reports are to be believed. Despite being a chef and backed up by literally hundreds of Instagram photos of his culinary creations, not to mention a top-ranking position at one of New York City’s best sushi joints and some personal chef gigs on his resumé (including Ted Allen), there is an ever-loudening clamour of exclamations which say that Antoni Porowski, in fact, cannot cook.
The root of these claims? Porowski’s appearance on Netflix’s reboot of the 2003 makeover show “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” as the food and wine expert. The show — now less exasperatingly titled “Queer Eye” due to its wider inclusion of subjects — features five gay men, dubbed the Fab Five, literally gatecrashing the life of a male-in-need and giving him guidance in avenues such as fashion and culture.
Scrutiny has befallen Porowski’s contributions to this life-changing experience, and to be frank, quite rightly so. While interior decorating wizard Bobby remodels the subject’s home, usually evolving it from some untidy man cave into the epitome of modern design, and the ever-delightful Jonathan tidies up that scruffy beard and dishes out pomade like he’s made of it, Porowski’s air-time normally consists of him teaching this week’s hombre how to prep, cook and garnish a meal to impress their significant other or group of friends.
The main sticking point is this: these “meals” are really nothing more than snack foods at best, and far from the sheet-pan salmon and egg spaghetti with buttery white wine sauce so proudly advertised on his Instagram page. In episode 1, Porowski works up a sweat making guacamole using a grand total of five ingredients. ‘I’m like a dairy freak’, he exclaims as he adds a dollop of Greek yoghurt, much to the disgust of guac purists everywhere. The salt, cilantro and lime juice are enthusiastically mashed together with the avocado into a paste and Porowski purrs like a cat when he devours the tortilla chip loaded with his fresh-made guacamole. ‘Is this something you’re going to be able to make again?’ he asks 57-year-old Tom Jackson as he reaches for a second chip. ‘Hell yes!’ Tom chimes back, an enormous grin spreading across his face.
‘Watching Queer Eye is just yelling ANTONI CAN’T COOK at your TV,’ one Twitter user posted following the show’s première on Netflix. Another user, in a more complimentary post, said: ‘Yo Antoni is a tasty snack, but I knew after one episode that he can’t cook.’ (sic)
And so it begun. The conspiracy which says that Antoni Porowski is in fact useless in the kitchen.
Little was done to help his case as the season progressed; Porowski moved on from guacamole to grilled cheese, and by the final episode — the truest showcase of his culinary prowess — he made hot dogs. Although, what were we really expecting him to teach a bunch of uninitiated straight guys whose meals are usually cooked in under three minutes and are overwhelmingly irradiated?
And this is the central pillar of my defence of Antoni Porowski. Did we really expect him to teach Tom, whose refrigerator shelves carry the ingredients required to make a “redneck margarita” and nothing else, to make the perfect lobster thermidor complete with Gruyère cheese crust? Or fireman Jeremy Holmes, whose life (and lives of others) revolve around the ringing of an alarm and the speediness of suiting up, to spend hours slaving over duck confit rillettes?
Of course not. Just because Porowski can make these things doesn’t mean that he should. For these men, simplicity is the key and these easy to prepare and quick-cook dishes are what are most important. Because you’ve got to walk before you can run, right?
Then comes my second point: where is the criticism of Karamo? That being Karamo Brown, the Fab Five’s resident “culture” vulture and #swagteacher. Antoni may not be cooking up a storm in the kitchen (or cooking anything for that matter), but surely he is doing more than Brown, who appears to do nothing but give the gentleman-in-question a pep talk and shoulder rub every 15 minutes.
So when season 2 comes around, can we give the sweet chef Antoni a break? He is trying his best, and even though that may be nothing more than French toast or pasta salad, we love him regardless.
